Peace With This

Can you live like you are dying?  Do you know what it feels like to realize that every day is a gift…and if you’re rushing through it you’re throwing away the most precious gift of all?  Time.

I am listening to the song “Live like you were dying” by Tim McGraw, which given the fact that my blood is burning in my veins today, fits.  Funny how something that is auto immune still feels like glass raking against the inside of your skin. I love the idea though, to live like you’re dying even if you don’t have some major disease.  My friend with CF is living her life out loud.   She cracks me up with her spirit and her laughter, all the ways that she finds to make every day worthwhile even when she spends part of them napping.  One thing that I have learned from Missy: there is always the chance that things are going to work out.  I’ve seen her on the precarious end of life, and I’ve seen her well.  She’s consistently herself…and that is what I want to be.  At peace with this life, where I am, happy, whole and free.

The morning dawns here in my house with golden light, one that seeps deeply into my core and helps me realize: I am at peace with this.  My God, after months and months of unending mental, emotional and physical pain, I am at peace where life has led me.  Excited even ~ encouraged.  I am at peace with this, these changes, this life.  It’s time to fly.  My bucket list is changing, becoming more about others and less about the material things in life.   What amazing moments I’ve had ~ loving, forgiving, laughing, being wholly and fully present.  It doesn’t matter that everything isn’t crossed off…its the love that you give and the love that you leave behind you in this place.  The pieces all go  back into the box.  I am free falling…alive at last…I am at peace with this.

Being at peace with life isn’t about giving up or being a doormat.  It’s the opposite, really.  It’s about being engaged with who you were created to be in faith.  Allowing yourself to feel and face the pain of whatever comes or has been, acknowledging the reality of life and being able to deal with that moment in that moment.  It’s not easy.  Sometimes, I feel like I am going to start screaming and never be able to stop, just losing myself in knowing that some things are actually forever even if they are abhorrent to me.  I will always have these memories of what was before “the great loss,”  always have these long ago memories of abuse, or neglect.  But you know what?  They don’t define me.   I am at peace with this. I don’t need to feel like screaming all the time…just on very special moments. 🙂

I like the places where we’ve gone, thinking through taking responsibility for our own lives, being whole in who we are, wholly and fully engaged.  I’ve learned not to break the rules of leaving the past behind….that let go and don’t pick up the pieces again thing?  Yea, I meant that.  Let go, love, let go.  Never look back, don’t call, don’t haunt, don’t read….just let the world be.  Everything that was made in heaven finds its way back again.  There is no end to real love – but there are lifetimes without it.  I am at peace with this.

Do yourself a huge favor.  Take the day off from the insanity that is your life.  Go for a walk, talk to a person that needs someone to listen, bake cookies for a friend in the blues…just give yourself tie to notice the world.  Go to park and just walk around, notice the stages and changes of life….breathe.

Just breathe.

Be at peace with this.


Do yourself a favor and click through to this link for a great song by The Script “For the First Time.”

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