Bess Myerson once wrote that “to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.” Especially if you were that person who wanted the relationship to last, were willing to be and stay through the hard times….there is little to say in the face of one that is certain he or she has a broken heart. Today’s email was relatively simple. “Please, help me mend my broken heart.” That is the gist of it.
To you, beloved broken, I send all my prayers and thoughts of light. As I am not there with you, I’d like you to take out a clean notebook or packet of paper and begin to journal. Let yourself feel your feelings, name them, affirm that this is where you are and where you’re launching from. We rush to avoid pain and wind up running headlong back into it. I want to let you know that I’m affirming your pain, that I hear you, that you’re understood by so many of us who have traveled this road.
Walk strongly from your place of hurt – toward self esteem, healing, self affirmation, faith.
You are a valuable, priceless person.
Be cognizant of your journey. There is nothing worse than wasting your life and your love on someone that is undeserving, someone that breaks you…no matter how many years and children intercede in your discovery of self. This is the only life that you have….live it well, notice the beauty, be. Just be. I have no real tangible answers for you, but a few steps that might take you on a new journey – one of being in love with someone that you do know – you. In a healthy, positive way.
You can do it. Pray, love, laugh.
So how do you let love go and move on
? In times past I had a “great love,” one that shattered my very being. Like you I was on the floor, bleeding out, wondering how so much pain could exist in one time at one place. Like you, I was up in the middle of the night, unable to think of anything else. Slowly, I came off the floor, took a breath and learned who I am. I chose me, and I chose to love in my life. One of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen, once wrote “when those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.”
I chose love, I really do.
Not that “I’m hanging on till you come back stuff. That “I’m willing to be all in with the right person and love them forever” type of stuff. Remember….the best predictor of future action is past action. You’re going to have to decide how much pain you’re willing to live in. Me? I’m not. I want someone stable, whole, real and passionate about me; I want to give that back with all the intensity that I own. That’s a lot of intensity. 🙂
The posting “Breaking the Habit” might help you feel better by knowing that there are others like you, nearer than you might imagine. I read this poem lots in my moments of solace, becasue I knew that I wasn’t going to chose to dwell in heartache forever. My life today? I wouldn’t change it for back then. I found that person that I love more than life, who deserves it, who honors it and us every single day.
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
1. Take a new road.
Somewhere in there is a you that remembers who you were, that you were real and whole, loveable and funny, before this man or woman came along and tossed over the apple cart. Did they do enough wonderful things along the way that we’re dumb enough to mourn for them? Oh, yeah. Unless they were the spawn of Satan, there were probably a million wonderful moments that you could cite – right up until they shattered all your love. Take a new road.
When you wake in the morning, listen to music that reinforces your brave new world, grasp life and be mindful of the moments. Get some basic Anthony Robbins tapes, work out, listen to the positive effects of the “program” and reinvent your life. Moving away isn’t going to change anything….you will take you with you. Change the inside of you
. Every time you walk through a doorway say, “I love myself,” or “I am worth loving,” even if you’re doing it through tears. You will be amazed first at how often you walk through doorways, and how often you’re interrupting self defeating thoughts when you say “I love you.”
Next to your faith, your self love is the most important thing that you have.
2. Affirm your new reality. Stop waiting.
Really. Let go
to the best of your ability and don’t make my mistake. You can wait for years for someone that never has thought of you again. Take that second path to discover yourself, the world around you, art, music, air, feeling. Drowning them in a substance of any sort? Okay, I guess for a moment….but when you come back down, you have a hangover and a broken heart. Bad idea, really.
3. Counseling works. I know this from experience…you can’t go around your brokenness and avoid it. You can get mad, get even, get out, get someone old or new – but sooner or later, you’re going to have to deal with it. The only way out is thru. I head a woman say “You can’t sit around and wait for the storm to be over. You’ve got to learn how to dance in the rain.” Find a counseling group or person that works for you. Check with local universities for counseling programs that are way affordable and staffed by the new and upcoming stars in the field. You deal with the brokenness in little sections, one at a time, like a puzzle coming back together. In time, it’s easier. In time, it’s shaping into an image. It’s not forever. Just keep breathing.
4. Get out and do stuff. I learned to do lots of new X-sports stuff once my heart had finally been ripped out of my chest by my former flame. Climb walls, go on a hike, drive on a go kart track, feel the wind. Be the king or queen of the world. Feel something other than pain. I remember running around with my friends feeling like a hollow human, trying to laugh and have a good time, but still the edges of me were nailed securely to that man that I’d have given my life to. That will change, the more you give it reason to. Today, I rarely think of it at all. Am I totally well? I wish, but in time ? Yes, I will be. In CBT (Cognitive Behavioral therapy) we teach you how to retrain your mind from unhealthy actions. Really try the door frame idea. Stop in every door frame and realize that you’re going to be happy….soon. That you’re okay. That you love you….and that is the most important relationship in the world.
5. Don’t eulogize. Gone is gone. Time to take a deep breath, know that someone who leaves and breaks us – they’re not worth our love. My former? Not worth the love that I had, not strong enough to be the mate I need, not able to be himself, let alone a real love. I used to be able to tell you all the things that I had bestowed on him, the honor and the decency, the faith, the expectation that he’d fulfill his destiny. All fiction. The pedestal was my idea of love. My road diverged? I am not defined by my relationship, but I am so happy that he’s here. Brian is a man that is stable, strong, real, sexy, whole…not mental. He more than provides, more than adores, more than fulfills. Wow, am I glad that God didn’t listen to my prayers. Wow…. am I glad that I am here now with Brian, with our kids, with a new baby on the horizon.
More than any advice, the best thing that I can tell you is that it will not rain forever. Life has so much to live for – and when you’re ready, you will see that again. Take your time, be yourself and treat yourself with kindness.
For more advice on getting your feet under you, click here.
Sending you love.