For “Letting Go Hurts.”

Are you ready to change how you feel inside?

One of the phrases I hear often is “this hurts.”  This week, several people have expressed “I am so tired. I feel out of hope.”  The last thing you need is a pat on the head and a trite saying.  Here it is: raw bones reality. Get comfy.

I can understand your pain – at least my version of how that feels.  It’s been one of those horrible convergence months.  Helpful demonstration of pain-in-focus statements that are from my journal today….

I am drowning in the tsunami emotions that are crippling my brain and life. I am having difficulty breathing. My MS symptoms are emerging with a vengeance. I contemplate in the darkest moments, filled with horror, that this convergence of emotional pain may actually kill me. There is no one who understands. I cannot explain. Oh, God, help me……

What could do that to someone who loves life? Those are “why” statements. They aren’t the real problem…. the problem, right now, is the pain in my heart. Here are the “why.”

Briefly, the death of a 14 year old girl by suicide. She is the daughter of a truly close friend (more like daughter to me). The next week, the loss of my closest, most trusted, dearly loved human person, one I don’t know how to live without.  A total change in the plans and dreams I was truly invested in.  A rekindling of old family drama in my should know better counterparts. A niece lost to an unthinkable life, a deeply brokenhearted sister. Two in hospital days of tests involving a deeply inserted needle {a bunch of times from shoulder  to toes}, electricity and no pain medication.

All at once.

It’s been a long…long…May.

Still, the ache that pervades my chest and flows tears that come and go. They are feelings that I battle often. I fight depression with suicidal ideation now and again. (If you have thoughts of suicide, seek help immediately with a credible medical source.  Yes, I have a whole team of doctors who work with my neurological, physical and emotional health. My commitment to me. I don’t want to die, and I hope that you don’t either.)

If you are a person dx’d with clinical depression, you probably have a similar story. I have had to learn how to change my state. It’s residual, really….pain from past meets pain from present, and then pain continues into future, appearing to get married and have kids within your depressed skull.  And, as previously mentioned…life can be emotionally painful in big crescendos. Top that off with regret and you have a situation.

You see, many of us have a lot of “stuff buried alive that never dies.”can't rain all the timeNothing can wave a magic wand and take your pain from you. It’s all done in steps, and the steps require that you do the work. Today, I made it though pain that had me screaming into my pillow for awhile, just letting it out before I imploded. Baby steps. I know myself well enough to have people around, and to stay busy.  I clean, and use release techniques. For the first time in a while, I can tell you that my house is clean and the laundry is done. That’s like a miracle. Do something productive.

What follows are some helpful “rules and rituals” for leaving behind the past and embracing the present.  How you use them are up to you, but here are the universals that I have learned.

1. Address and lose anger – first. You will notice that there is nothing here supporting negative or angry. ‘Angry’ is poison to your own soul. I promise, the only person that it hurt is you. I promise you, what you say in anger or deep depression – you’re going to regret. Those choices lead to closed doors.

2.There is no manipulation or “getting him/her back.”  What will not willingly return to your life is not yours. At this point in my life, if I have done everything I can to prove my love for another, it’s got to be met with the same determination. It’s not amateur night. Waiting is your choice. Life continues on.

3. Karma is a bitch.  You can bet what you send out in the universe is going to come forcefully back your own direction. Betrayal begets betrayal. Love begets love. Negatives tend to amplify as they cross space and time. Be careful what you wish for.hard-to-forget

4. This is about you. You cannot “fix” another person. You can not meditate them into doing your will. Free choice is not quenchable territory. This has to be about you finding peace in you.

IMPORTANT NOTE:  There is a test at the end of this article. It’s there for a reason. Part of feeling better is going on a journey of healing. Your focus is ? You problem is ?  Refer to #4, and read it again. 🙂 Be back with you in a few.

5. Tell it like it is. Drama is overrated. Where your focus goes, your energy goes. Stop digging yourself in deeper by lamenting and focusing on them. They are not your pain. Your pain is your pain. I can listen to someone describe their breakup in long flowing, tear filled sentences that often include “I will never love like this again.” or “He was the one.”  Nope. Yes, I get that is the “why.” It’s not what this is about. Be truthful about what you are releasing and why. “I am releasing you, ##, because I have no other choice. You have left.” That clarifies things. (read #4 again.) It’s over. You’re dealing with a different problem, even if the person comes around again.  Think of this as the part where you’ve smacked your proverbial thumb with a proverbial hammer.  Your “thumb hurts” is the issue…not the “why”…the hammer.

6. Don’t cheat your feelings. I often say “I have to feel this way until I don’t feel this way anymore.” Don’t try to wiggle another person into your “loss space.” There is no such thing as a “Splenda,” a person substitute. Trust me when I tell you that being a sub is a horrible, hurtful role to try and assume. You will both eventually regret it, and lose a great part of your self in the process. You can’t go from this pain to just fine and expect that you haven’t just buried a monster in a small warm vault with lots of food and supplies to make it grow while it awaits it’s next release. Deal with reality.

Depressing, yes? Not really. It’s the bare bones. You have an issue. What exactly is that issue? May sound something like this.

I honestly love (Insert name). That person has gone. I have a problem reconciling my feelings of hurt, abandonment, disappointment and broken trust. My emotional heart is broken, and I am dealing with persistent thoughts of this loss.”

Real problem: broken heart, persistent thoughts.  The why and how are now items in our tool bag. You have to focus your healing energy on you. If you could feel better about “so and so” leaving, not be brokenhearted, maybe you’d let go and move on?

Imagery helps. How can you use imagery and your own internal peace (what there is of it…..) to make a difference in your own life.

How to Establish Peace Spaces.

I have several in my house, places where I have established “peace fronts.”  In my office, I have spent the week changing worth iteverything to try and take back my spaces from the memories. It’s not that I want to forget, it’s just that I have no choice but to try and survive. For those of you who follow THM closely, you know that my office is my sanctuary. I need to be able to focus here in my office, and to feel the hope of new days to come.  So clean a space. Declutter. Bring yourself – your soul presence – into the space. Remove sadness, sad items, sad music.  This is about YOU.  Not you remembering them.

Personal note: I changed everything because it was the very person who helped me so many times in my home that I’m trying to move on without. If this applies to you, get a box, clean out the space, and return anything that isn’t yours – not now, while your tempted to say anything. The post office doesn’t require that you put that twenty page letter in the envelope returning his keys. Your goal is being filled with peace. The rest will come.

Peace increases when you…..

  • Use cool tones.
  • Try to establish no clutter, and tranquil seating.
  • Make it in an area with the least ambient sound.
  • Try to achieve a comfortable temp for you.
  • Avoid photographs of anyone but yourself in a happy time that is neutral to your pain. (Not photos of your love.)
  • Que up meditation on your smart phone or device – there is a ton free on YouTube.

If you have no open space, try to make a temp personal space in the bathtub. Candles, some meditation (not falling asleep). Relax in the bath once each day and simply breathe, resting your heart.

Maybe hopping into the bubble bath isn’t do-able for you at a moments notice.  Instead, wash your hands slowly and mindfully after each phase of your day to create new energy and release the strings or attachments to the past.  Find a soap or oil that is going to soothe your senses, bring you to a place of peace and think…..

  • “I am at peace. This pain is not mine to hold. I am filled with peace.”
  • If the image of the person is to present for you, try “I release you. Go in peace.”

You can take a more active role.  Intersperse these throughout your day.  Persistent thoughts will end when you let them wash over you, and respond in peace. Direct your thoughts.

  • Imagine that your problems are being held in the bubbles…and that they gently wash down the drain.
  • Imagine the draining water taking away old energy, thoughts, and beliefs.
  • Visualize stuck energy moving out through your feet into the earth.
  • Imagine your painful thoughts as a closed fist around your heart. Release the grip of an issue or thing by imagining it softening, unclenching, melting, and dropping away.rock bottom

Create a ritual, based in your own faith system.

  • Burn incense, sitting with your body comfortable and quiet. Concentrate your feeling on something in your hands, such as prayer beads, a polished stone, or crystal. You might use a bell (one author suggested tapping a glass with the back of a spoon or a chop stick if you wish) to prepare a space for something new.
  • Release by burning photos, letters, or thoughts written down on paper.  Be safe, and use something flame proof (like a stone bowl or fireplace) to contain your elements.  Be grateful as the smoke rises, and say prayers to allow the feelings your releasing to find peace in the universe.
  • Write a letter to someone as if you were going to send it, but instead bless it and burn it with gratitude.
  • Create an blessing candle, light it and repeat prayers of release. The Catholic church uses the rosary prayers in times like these.

Do internal checks.

  • Check all thoughts of revenge or confrontation with words of love and peace.  You don’t have to love that ex or that friend who betrayed you…but any form of hate is truly destructive to you alone.
  • When a persistent thought will not stop, imagine the thought-form of a person, thing, belief, or issue you would like to release on the palm of your hand. Wish it peace and blow it into the wind, with gratitude.
* Some text and rituals are excerpted from Your Spacious Self: Clear Your Clutter and Discover Who You Are [now in its second edition] by Stephanie Bennett Vogt, pp. 67-68.
The key here is to get creative with one accomplishment in mind.  Here’s the test I  promised you.
What is the real goal?
I asked you at the beginning if you want to feel better. The real goal is just that.  You feeling better about you. Not because s/he loves you and validates your life. Because you love you and validate your own unique existence.  Nothing is perfect in this thing called life. Truth is, we can live a life without that single person. It will not be the same life as it was were they there. You will go on different journeys, see different amazing things…. those two lives hold equal merit.
Maybe by letting go, you open the door for a new future that you will also like. Maybe you will never find that love again. No one knows what the future holds – and there is no point in glamorizing the road not traveled.  Make your life about being the best version of yourself, and love honestly. It is okay to be yourself…. even if you are very different, just being open to another makes a huge difference.
Test answer: Healing is about you.  Change your internal dialogue to focus on the real problem. “I am hurt, and I want to be healed.”
Email is at the left if you have questions, comments or even complaints.
Peace and grace, folks, peace and grace.

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