Out of the Grey

I find myself “in the grey,” in a place where pain echoes.

I don’t feel well today. Blaugh.

It’s one of those insidious little things, being tired.  A headache running three months now, usually enough in the background that I don’t think much of my life varying ibuprofen and acetaminophen.  I don’t think much about the throwing up, or the way that my nerve endings sometimes feel like my blood is burning me.  Hands and feet that fall numb, balance off…ugh. I’m feeling a little pathetic.  Today, they’re all present enough that it’s back to the couch, and scrapping the plans for the rest of the day in favor of stronger meds and sleep.  Pain is my friend.  I know that I am still here, still standing, still on my way to being a healthy person again.  This is just the scenic route.

Allowing yourself to know your feelings, embrace them is the first step in any emotional process of recovery. You must be accepting of who and what you really are.

The squirrels have had an interesting game of tag around and around the tree trunk this morning, up and down.  They’ve succeeded in knocking all the feed out of the bird house again, so they’re being remanded back to “the squirrel block” the second that I feel well enough to hop back in the car and wander toward the store.  The day is beautifully cool here in my view of the trees.  I went to water the flowers this morning, proving that I was born with writer’s hands, not a green thumb.  I think they’re all dead….sad.  I really am trying. 🙂 They just seem to wither.

I wonder what it is that you do when your day is interrupted by things that you weren’t expecting?

In some ways I miss the days of working so hard that I didn’t notice how tired I had gotten – but that added to why I am here today, now didn’t it?  MRI next week to find out what the deal is with my little brain.  Maybe it really did melt down that last semester of grad school, into a kind of liquified psychologically based theological goo.  Still I miss my friends and my school, and the me that I am at the SOT.  A whole new world awaits in August…if May was about self discovery, and June is about recovery, I guess that leaves August for new beginnings.

I am going to spend the rest of the day on dialogue edits for the Soul Thief and the first two chapters of Dulos.  My lovely main man is cooperative today, and that’s something for Lucian.  It’s amazing how characters take a life of their own.  He’s no one I have ever met, but there are times that I think I hear him in the near distance, weighing in on something silly I am about to do.

Here in my auto immune induced lethargy, I consider the things that there are still to be done. Kick ball game this afternoon, or croquet if it clears up.  Dinner with the Taryn and home made pizza night.  Brian’s golfing for his tourney this Monday.  I cleaned house all morning, even got to thoroughly vacuum the floor of the hurricane Taryn.

Note~ you must all think that I’m very messy, given how much time I clean.  Nope, just lots to do.  I love the house to look like a magazine picture, and that takes a lot of work that isn’t done yet.  I am truly a Stepford Martha Stewart in training.  I love taking care of the family.~

This house is full of the Spirit, full of the memories of those who have gone to be in Christ, full of the moments when I can reach out and write.  Everything is possible in this place of peace and power.  Everything always comes to blessing.  I am soothed in my pain, wrapped in the loving arms of the Divine grace the heals. Every moment counts.  Every beloved, deep conversation with my Brian, every hour I spend talking and loving with Tar, every laughter from a friend, every moment…it’s beautiful.

I enjoy the times of reflection, even when the grey is present. It helps me know that I am human, real, and that I still posses the capacity to love beyond what one can imagine.

Time. Right now, it’s moving on, and on, and on….it never stands still.

I still have time. But not forever…not in this body.

You still have time.  What if you knew that you didn’t have forever…if you faced your own mortality?

What will you do as not to waste it? Can you love achingly deep and still maintain your balance?

If you were here, feeling as I do, knowing that you dno’t have forever….what would you change?

Do you have any idea how beautiful and precious life is? Do you know that you are deeply loved?

I meet so many people who are surrounded by children, spouses, church and life…and they are utterly and completely lonely.  They join me on this journey here where words about anothers life resonate…and even though we don’t know one another, we can share a moment in time together that leaves us both feeling more alive, connected somehow. Less lonely in this big, big world.

Don’t leave this space without thinking it through.  I’m headed out of the grey – I won’t stay here long, no matter how crappy I feel. There is to much life to be amazed over…to much love to give.  Make a plan, breathe clean air, be fully present.  Live…live…live.

What can you do, today, to make your life meaningful, happy, content? Take a step, make an effort.  Don’t care if you fail…it’s in the trying that victory comes.  It’s not who you are, what you’ve earned, where you stand at work, what you have accumulated.  It’s the love that you give and the love you leave behind.

What can I say….that’s life.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.