It’s a common complaint of the married couple – the fire has gone out of their sex life, that passion that they used to feel in the early years giving way to the same life, day in and out. I’m writing this article in response to several friends that remark on my continuing love affair with the love of my life. Unlike my sisters, I am really into the physical intimacy of being his woman.
We’ve had long talks, my BFF’s and I about sex and the men we love. You might blame the kids, the dog, the job or the house and be right on all accounts…but the choice to reignite your big girl flame begins inside of you and you alone. This is coming from a woman who owns both ultra sexy corsets and comfy footie jammies. I can hang at the race track or the symphony with equal ease. I’m up for the challenge of a life lived out loud. If the thought of becoming or nurturing your inner sex goddess doesn’t sit well with you, rest assured that there are lots of personality types in women…and some simply are not going to resonate with the concept of sex as communication and commitment. There is no right or wrong way to go about the passion that you feel for your mate.
For those of us girls with a sensual nature – you know who you are ladies…..the girls who always do their paws and claws with some flair, believe that going out requires looking your absolute best, even if it’s to the grocery store – if your walk will stop traffic – it’s you. The idea of making love for hours interests you, and I understand. I want to kiss the man I love for hours…I’ve done it, and it’s amazing. I have spent the past few months becoming a more whole and healthy person, and in the process learning much about the Tantric concepts of lovemaking for specifically that reason – I love him and I love myself. I want him to feel that anticipation of knowing that when he calls, texts or sends me a message I am waiting on the other end, engaged, aroused, anticipating all things him. I want to connect with that love that I feel in him, and for him to feel fulfilled in the love I offer in return. I’m still his number one fan, knowing all his faults and failures. Giving him the connectedness of being one in body, mind and soul is the most unique and priceless gift I could find. All that being said, erotic love begins with a willingness and desire to make his every fantasy come true and to breed a few new ones.
What do you think when you hear the word “erotic?” I conjure images of bathtubs filled with bubbles, wine, candlelight and hours of foreplay, forming a soul deep connection. Eroticism is the most misunderstood part of marital sex. Psychologist term the “committed to one another, but marked by an uninspired sex life” of couples who seek counseling as a functional relationship. In this case, the two people have entangled their intimate connection to one another with all that stuff listed above…the kids, house, job, the latest fight, grudges, and conflicts or hurt feelings. All of it is there in the bedroom, never leaving, never resolving. This couple may appear to be “finding themselves” but actually live two nearly separate lives. They find time to have sex and children. In many marriages, love is about the basic of intimate necessity (safety and security) for her and natural desire for him. It’s an adolescent pattern that places the potential for shame over sexual intimacy and unfulfilled desires, mixed with an unwillingness to grow or experiment within the context of the relationship. For the sex goddess in us, forgiveness is absolute. You can’t harbor had feelings or resentment – there has to be a deep and abiding trust between you. Perfect relationship, no – open communication, yes.
What does erotic love have to do with having a healthy connection? Good question. Eroticism is often seen as a negative or “dirty” concept regaled to the adult video section where nice girls don’t tread. In reality, eroticism is highly fulfilling to the couple and can really enhance your intimate connection with your partner. The essence of erotic sex is far from acting out porn (although many couples find this to be a pleasurable aid in intimacy) or acting out on risky impulses…instead, it is about playfulness, mystery, curiosity and a creative intimacy that is totally free.
So you’ve made the commitment that you want to feel and experience the heightened mind, body and spiritual connection that is possible with your mate? Don’t just jump into it…really meditate and consider what it might mean for you to immerse your soul in this person that you love, to allow them fully and wholly into your energy and presence. Once you’ve centered and meditated, spend some time talking to your lover. First step is to get them on board with your thought process….it’s a two person sort of thing. Your goal: the ultimate in erotic intensity possible. This can only happen when you join your energy as a unique human soul with your mate’s energy…through deliberate lovemaking and erotic relaxation, you can achieve this state of erotic bliss. It must be a shared journey with the purpose of uniting your sexual energy in the most intimate way possible. Begin by becoming intentionally playful with your mate – intertwining your feet under the table, trading knowing looks in pubic, whispering love into a waiting ear…be creative and sensual.
Find a comfortable space where you can lay that also has many pillows. You cannot be interrupted, by sound or another individual. Put soft background music on that appeal to you both – preferably something unfamiliar without lyrics. Give yourself a good couple hours for this practice. Setting the space is highly important – look for lower lighting including candlelight, incense with jasmine or dragons blood scenting, an aromatic oil or lotion placed in a warmer, and no clutter. A chilled bottle of wine is optional. You will need gauze or flimsy scarf, rose petals (fresh) and a small bowl of ice.
Your goal is to depart from the everyday world in a meditative state with your loved one, and the routine of place and clutter will block the experience. Begin by coming close together, breathing in as the other breathes out. Wearing lose fitting natural clothing is the best at this juncture, such as a light cotton robe. Breathe deeply in as your lover – think in those terms, and envision that person that you crave as your most intimate connection – exhales. Intentionally gaze deeply into each others eyes, breathing. Simply use your fingers to trace their face, the eyelids the lips, the throat. Feel the elegance of their hair against your skin, breathing them in all the while. Feel your own energy rise with each touch of the fingertips.
Have your love recline on the pillows, still remaining in a quasi upright position. It’s time for that lotion to warm his skin…test it to make sure it is not too hot. The love of my life often remarks on how much he loves how I smell – and I use that lotion for that purpose. I want him to think of what it is like to have his hand on my waist, to feel the softness of skin on skin, and to kiss for hours. Straddle your mate so that your chests are facing, without engaging in the touch of any private parts. Clothes are still on, girls.
I’ve spent hours tracing my fingers up and down my love’s shoulders, breathing in the smell of his hair, describing to him in detail how much I love the feeling of his body against mine. Try that with your mate, giving time to each part of his body, recognizing the beauty and strength of each muscle, each space. It is important to remain in eye contact, absorbing the energy of your union and the space around you. Be present and aware of the feelings in your own body, and the desire fueled by the intensity. As your intensity increases, take turns blindfolding each other to use the other items near you. Crush the rose petals and have your lover inhale their fragrance; feel them against their bare chest. Trace ice on the tips of fingers, against the inside of the thigh or even on the tongue. Other items you might try: feathers, strawberries, warmed stones for massage. If each of you comes to the experience with your own surprise box (unknown to the other) it will greatly increase your playful time.
Remember: this form of sex is designed to broaden deepen and expand the boundaries of your relationship. It’s here that you find you have no inhibitions left – and it is true that in this discovery process, your inhibitions will fall away into the trust of your union together. When it feels appropriate, you change positions and allow him to fully discover your body as well. An important note: sometimes this is a slow, sensual and erotic process. Sometimes, the intensity takes over and there is no pulling back from the absolute bliss that we find being intimate together. There is no right or wrong.
This exercise doesn’t end in sex…although it can if you want it to. The point is to build your erotic time together and increase your anticipation of the act of lovemaking to be the most intense, pleasurable experience possible. Anticipation is 90% of erotic love, and it might end with intense against the wall passionate sex, or it may spiral into days of making love in your mind before a union might happen.
It’s never hard to start. Begin early in the day by leaving a note or a flower, or letting your love know that you’re imagining their body as you work out, considering how the sweat forms on their muscles as you picture them in the gym with you, the erotic nature of coming together in an uncommon place or time. Whisper into your phone or his ear in a public place something that he doesn’t expect…and smile. Make eye contact and maintain it as often as you can. Allow your energy to flow into him, through him and then back into you.
Like you, I want sensuality and emotionality that transcends everyday life. I don’t believe in “losing the spark.” Instead, I want to create a healthy, erotic firestorm that inspires him to feel connected and fulfilled by our union, every day for the rest of our lives. There is vulnerability beyond nakedness and the basics of the sex act – animals all over the world can have sex. It takes a soul deep bond to really experience erotic love, one that stimulates an awakening of self that you may not have known existed.