Woman to Woman 5: The Sensual…Mind?

For many women, the concept of sensuality seems a bit foreign or hard to place in a normal everyday life of the “USA Mom” – kids, house, dinner and dishes added to a full time work schedule.  I empathize, given that I’ve got a similar lifestyle! I chose to put a really high premium on keeping a beautiful house, entertaining friends, and cooking big family meals that bring the grown kids home as often as possible.  Even on quiet nights when it’s just Brian, Taryn and I, rare is the occasion that I am willing to allow them to not have a fully home-cooked healthy meal, to sit and talk about our day…to play together. It’s important to me to take time to be with my family as “mom” – but I found that doing this to the extreme also cost me the sensual, natural side of my personality that wanted to be “in love” and feel sexy.  As a result I felt vaguely empty and unfulfilled…because sensuality begins in the mind.  Balance in who and what we are is so very important.

To balance the practical and sensual natures, the first step is to acknowledge your own inner needs and desires.  Do you know what you want?  I promise you that what you focus on, you will attract into your life.  Are you honest with yourself about how you feel in your primary love relationship?  Give it descriptor words.  Are they action words?  What is your love language, and how do you express love? Do you spend time loving yourself?  Are you surrounding yourself with people who encourage you?  I spend my time with people I want to emulate – people who love and speak into other’s lives, people who are balanced and happy.  I focus first on being a whole, happy and sensual woman – I feel it when I walk, and in how I smile.  I know that I am confident and worthwhile – especially on days when I am anything but confident. Do you know what you want – framed specifically as “I want to _______.” Notice it’s not a negative.  “I don’t want to see my family starve, so I have a job.”  Wow!  That used to be so many of us.

A reader summed up many comments with this simple phrase. “I don’t want to get divorced, but I really don’t care if we ever have sex again. We’re more like roommates.”  More women than not who write into this article series are bored, uninspired and unfulfilled in their love relationships.  If you view your mate as the person that you’ve settled for, there is little chance of a real romance developing between you. If you feel like you are limited by your past, know that it doesn’t have to also be your future. Part of my own transition from bored to bubbly came about because of how I chose to live and direct my energy. Here is an example.

I need tactile stimulation for this super brain of mine, all the data that comes with feeling, seeing, touching, smelling life as it comes to you.  I was walking to the car this weekend in the midst of a crowd, people laughing as the leaves raced by on the brisk, cold wind.  The sun was shining full blast, radiant and warm in contract to the nip of the air.  For a moment, I stood still on the flat asphalt of the parking lot and closed my eyes, arms extended like I was about to fly away.  The wind licked my fingertips, twined into my hair and sent goosebumps down my spine.  The sun on my face felt like the softest, lightest lovers kiss, slightly warm, elusive.  I could feel my toes press down into my boots and brace against the push of wind gusts, feel my clothes move, hear the laughter pick up and float on the air.  I could feel the energy glow in me like a bright light, one that other people are attracted to, one that makes people feel confident and cared for. It felt like I was flying, free…and I was aware of my whole body.  It was empowering, sexy and alive.  My youngest daughter “flew” alongside me (she had a different experience – she was a bird for a few minutes) and the people around varied from giving it a try to being wholly focused on making their way to the car.  I felt slightly sad for the woman who was so wrapped up in loading her kids into the car that she didn’t get to experience the wind.  I realized at that moment that she was trapped in anxiety and tiredness – and there was no hint of sensual energy in her at all.

I wrote everything above to illustrate what I mean when I say sensuality begins in the mind.  Can you see how the mind became aware in those few moments on the pavement, a private second that enmeshed feeling with knowing?  I stood there for just a few seconds – and in that time, images of making love to the man who holds my heart were as thick as thieves, so dense that you could reach up and brush them away, still leaving more.  When I am aware of myself, I am also aware of the unique union that is us.  I think about the way that he moves, the subtle and sensual things that he does, the warmth in his eyes.  Sensuality begins in the mind.

First, if you’re feeling flat unsexy take action.  It doesn’t have to cost lots of time or money, but make a decision that encourages your inner goddess and do it.  Indulge in fantasy about your love. If you’re physically needing stimulation, change your hair, your clothes, your makeup.  Buy a sexy new shade of lipstick, or do your nails.  My personal fave is to experience a new lotion after a shower, fluff my hair and give myself a great pep talk.  If I am super blue (which I was upon waking this a.m.) I take extra time and care with a special yoga session or five minutes of affirmations and prayer, just being in the presence of faith and love.  Sometimes I hand write a letter to the one I love – and if I’m feeling frisky I might mail it to his office, or hide it for him to find later. I center back to being aware of my unique role in the world as Alison – the only me that there is.  I am precious, loved, needed – have you told yourself that today? You are precious, loved and needed – by you! Give yourself permission to be your whole, sexy self and the inner goddess smiles.

Zig Ziglar once said that “boats are safe in the harbor, but that is not what they’re built for.”  We often live our lives that way, in the harbor. We imagine the “what if” worse case scenario if we acknowledge our dreams or needs.  That threat of all that we imagine will happen if we venture out keeps us dry docked and rotting! So, if your inner diva is asking to be let out but you’re not confident of your own sexuality, give it a stab and smile over the results! I’m more willing to be authentic and look like an idiot than I am to suffer living life. Put out to sea and know that your inner demons are only that – they are the worst in “what if.”  What if is a great question to ask if you want to stay where you are forever.  Take your time to savor the life that you lead and be intentional about your own sensuality.  Notice the wind, the birds, the trees – notice life around you and thoughtfully chose to be part of it all.

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