What is real?
You’ve been forewarned that I’ve been writing in Lucian and Kate’s world for a while, so this may seem a little random. I’m half way between here and Lake Lure, wishing that I was all there. I miss the place so much. I miss the waterfall, the sound of my feet running on the hiking trail, the sight and the sound of Lucian. I miss it all. I miss the deck at the restaurant, the smell of the water, the feel of the spray on my face from the boat. I miss Michael and his crazy dedication to teaching me kick boxing. Still here I am tonight in Indiana….We were listening to this on our way back from the waters of the lake.
Do feel cold and lost in desperation?
Build up hope, but failures all you’ve known?
Remember all the sadness and frustration….
and let it go. Let it go.
From Linkin Park, Iridescent
I’m listening to Linkin Park ~
shock ~ and Iridescent is speaking to me tonight. I was thinking as I spent time rearranging my office to include a new comfy chair, a different rug and a center/end table that there was a point to all of this at one time. There was a book, and a dream, and zip lines to be conquered. There was a life. Then, there was the coldness and desperation. Following Linkin Park …. “Do You Love Me Enough To Let Me Go?” 🙂 It’s been nine months since I heard this song for the first time, on the second floor of the library of AU. You know, if you listen to the words, it doesn’t say what I thought at that moment. Doesn’t matter. Deleted the song and replaced it with more LP. Waiting for the End. There is no better song in the Universe. One day, I am going to kiss Chester Bennington and Mike C. right on the top of their well tattooed little heads and say thank you. I swear to God they have first pick at the musical score for the Soul Thief. For the uninitiated, the Soul Thief is the first in a series of three books I have to have finished by 2o11. Preferably, on this half for the first two.
There are a few people that have had the same impact to me as the music that drives me. For instance, somewhere in this mess is a photo of me, Alison, with her mentor, Mary Ann Hawkins. I can’t begin to tell you what an intelligent, thoughtful, truly wonderful human being she is. Now, if you’re taking her pluralism class, be prepared to work your butt off. I would not have it any other way. She is the single most extraordinary human being that I have met – she knows all that there is to know of my beautiful mess of a life, and loves me regardless. Her ability to see beyond the margins shapes all I know now. If I ever get to grow up, I want to be like Mary Ann.
Back to the music at hand….Linkin Park had that same effect for me as I write. If it hadn’t been for them, I’d have never hear the words that echo in my soul. God, I do love….love….love Linkin Park. More than any other Christian group, I hear truth in places like Linkin Park, U2, One Republic. Dramien. Yes, I am kinda a music girl. But Linkin Park…they’re what I want playing on my IPod when I am buried. Heaven has to have Chester Bennington’s music.
I’ve thought a lot about life today, amidst the tons of bath salts that I’ve manufactured and the prep of 30 loaves of banana bread for tomorrow. I think that an early a.m. CostCo run will be in order for flour and that sort of thing. I may just blow it off and buy it here.
Do I have a point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, listen to this. Falling Slowly
For all of you that write in and ask what it takes to move on, all across the world? Trade this life for something new. Get a dream, something that is yours and hold on to it like you life depended on it. It does. If your angst is over a person that has hurt you, trust me…move on. I know how it feels to lie, to be, to hold, to wish, to need. You’re going to have to breathe in and get some fire in your person. If you weren’t the first choice, you’re always going to wonder. I wish it wasn’t that way, but sweets, there is a world of worthwhile people, jobs, lives and choices out there. Make one that doesn’t cost you your soul.
Today’s comments weight heavily on my heart. I want to say to you all I empathize. I do. I know how it feels to stand in devastation and on the edge of the abyss. Don’t jump. Don’t give up. You are not going to be imprisoned in these circumstances forever. For the lost loves…I know that “perfect man/woman” that you believe you can live without seems irreplaceable…but in time you will come to find that your memory of them is more powerful than the reality of who they are. Once you see that there is little in common with you “dream” person, you’re going to feel better.
Rip off those rose colored glasses, buy a new dress at Goodwill and laugh.
You’ll feel better. Fall slowly. Be real. Don’t give up your life on the past, or being miserable.
Dare to be whole and happy.
You’ll be iridescent.
THE HARDEST PART OF ENDING IS STARTING AGAIN.
Don’t give up.