Breaking the Habit

There are days when you are simply just not feeling it – and this is one of those days.  So what do you do when you are faced with hard decisions in life that don’t jive with your soul?  How do you reassert self control when your life decisions are made for you – and you aren’t allowed to participate in the conversation? Regardless of your situation – job or love loss, even bereavement – when your life dynamics are altered, you feel it in your heart.  Many people are facing permanent life changes that alter the trajectory of their happiness and life fortune.

Letting go is the hardest thing to do.

For me, I chose to live life one day at a time recognizing that surviving loss is a process. I cannot conceive of this lost feeling forever – it’s grief work, but it is painful.  I woke at 1 am this morning and worked on my manuscript for a while, then returned to bed for a few more hours of watching the numbers projecting on the ceiling from the bedside clock.  My memories varied from one “first” to another…memories that mean so much to me.  My reverie was interrupted by our youngest daughter, Taryn, who came in to announce that she was cold and needed to cuddle.  I was reminded of why I’ve made the decisions that I’ve made and snuggled our daughter between Brian and I.  Still, my soul aches in ways that I can’t begin to describe to you.

The snow outside is beautiful and the house is bathed in gentle light.  My good friends bless me with wonderful candles from their shop.  I’m going to light a fire in Brian’s den and cuddle into the soft leather sofa, sip some hot tea and write.  If you read the articles on relationships you will know that days like these are tough for the left-behind.  It’s like being six inches under water…close enough to see the open blue sky, but still drowning.  How am I going to change it?

  • First, practice good self care.  A good warm shower and my favorite sweater.  I took the time to do my hair and swipe on lip gloss, even though the most glamorous place I will go today include the video store and the bank.
  • Clean something.  The smell of success can just be the simple swipe of cleaner in the bath, a freshly washed bed or even wiping down the kitchen counter.  I need to know that I can still make a difference.
  • Read or watch something funny…laugh out loud funny.
  • Work out with the right attitude – my health and fitness are important.
  • Call and ask for help when the anxiety of loss becomes to much for me to handle.
  • Cry when I need to.  It’s okay to express the heartache that I feel – I just can’t live in it.
  • Be kind to everyone I meet.   I send out the most motivational, positive quotes I can, focus my energy on others…and imagine that in the end, I will feel whole and complete once again.

These are the best suggestions I have here in my view from the floor.   If you’re suffering from symptoms of depression, remember that the music you listen to and the things you take in are important.  Avoid tunes and views that remind you of what plagues your soul.  Make healthy choices of uplifting, meaningful lyrics.

Affirm the love of those in your life and … breathe.

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