Beginnings

There is a daunting thing on my computer screen: a simple blank white sheet.  It’s my job to put words there. My IPod is charging.  The books are stacked.   I have an entire pot of hot, dark, freshly ground Sumatra coffee…and a full bag of backup beans.

I have seventy two hours to digest these sixteen books into 5 major papers ~ about 35 pages, all in all, ~ of graduate level theology in order to graduate on time with my masters.

Here’s where I am going to land.  I will probably be here in this seat as the day goes by, and tomorrow, and Sunday.  Monday, I am planning on being whole, healthy and well enough to be able to listen to my friend talk about the transitions of life, ministry in addictions counseling, the viva de loca…. over Fajitas at my fave Mexican restaurant because this “all about me” thing is wearing thin.  It’s my promise to myself: I will care more about being authentic and complete than being wounded. I have so much to give the world, so much energy to turn into something productive.  I don’t want to act like an idiot. 🙂

Something important dawned on my today about how we live.  For those of us in any form of recovery – even emotional recovery, or recovery from major illness, alcholism, drugs, porn, whatever ~ if your definition of life become reactive to what you once were, your defining moment ~ you’re still addicted. Now you’re just addicted to avoiding it, talking about it, living it out.  It’s still controlling you by proxy.  When I realized that, I let go of my grief a little more and thought about how to redefine myself.  I am a worthwhile human being worth great value to those who love her, to God, to the people she helps.  I am not defined by my addictions, by my pain…not by antoher person, either.

Instead, I just am who God created me to be.

I like that.

 

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