Is it Real Love? 5 Things to Know About Soulmates

Webster’s Dictionary defines “soul mate” as an informal term referring to a “person, especially of the opposite sex, with whom one has a deeply personal relationship.” It’s the most elusive yet sought for relationship in the human life, enduring and engaging love.

If you’re seeking real love in your single or married life, there is exceptional news for us all.  Soul mates begin life as individuals with a deep need to connect and share life with another person. How does a person find their soul mate? Is it destiny that you will cross paths in a certain time or place?  What if you’re late or distracted?  Do you have only one chance for soul deep love and then a lifetime of wandering?  The answer: no.  A soul mate isn’t  a specific or single person, but a kindred soul that is able to connect to yours.  The choice to love ~ and who you love ~ is totally yours to make.

What common characteristics do people with soul mates share?

A person who seeks a deep, spiritual relationship with their chosen mate first must be aware that they are seeking and willing;

That the person with whom they are engaged or married is spiritually willing and able to grow and develop a higher sense of self;

And, that they share common goals, attitudes and faith.

Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, wrote “Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person.”

For the person that is looking for love, how can you attract the soul mate of your dreams?  For the married person, how can you improve the quality of relationship?  For both groups, if the significant other in your life doesn’t find value in this type of relationship, don’t despair: some relationships that start as intense physical relationships wane over time and find that there is some love and compatibility without the deep spiritual bond or connection that soul mates desire.  These relationships we learn a lot from, whether they span weeks, months or even years.  In the karmic flow of life, you may find yourself in love with a person that cannot stay over the long course, leaving pain and learning in their wake.  Rest assured, there is happiness out there for you still after the rain has come and life has settled into understanding once again.  It was a love relationship, just not a spiritual union.

1.  Self actualization is the key to enduring and real love. The choices are there before you; how you make them and what you do with it is going to determine how you live your life.  Although circumstances and conditions might impact how we grow up and who we become, how we chose to live and what we chose to become is our own decision.  Are you seeking your soul mate?  First, then, you must know who you are.  Stick to that, be true to is and do not back down from the ideas that are really important to you.   My soul mate is deeply understanding; he values our constant communication.  Like me, he is intensely physical in expressing love; he is passionate about the faith we share; he is in love with children and being a great parent; he wants to go and grow in a common direction.  We are both oriented toward the same true north, have the same dreams, longing for the same things.  As I sought my soul mate I realized that these were things I couldn’t live without.

2.  Be 100% yourself. If you’re just beginning dating or you’ve been married for a decade and want a better relationship, start by being who you really are.  Do not compromise your values, your integrity or what you honestly hold as core truths. There is no value in pretending that you’re someone you’re not; only in voicing how you want to grow and who you are becoming as you spiritually mature.  Spiritual love cannot be built on a foundation of physical love alone; that will fade in time for non-soul mates.  Soul mates often enjoy a deeper and more intense level of lovemaking as time continues, leaving no space for desiring anyone or anything else.  Once physical intimacy transcends sexual desire and becomes a spiritual melding of soul and body, you know that you’re at the soul mate level of relationship.  Being yourself places the individual in a position of vulnerability and communication.

Be aware of your level of openness with the one that you love, and how you react to them.  I’m willing to be vulnerable with him and talk through moments when I feel challenged or hurt; once hurt I also have to be willing to simply let go of the moment and be understanding without keeping score.  An important note:  self actualization also requires of you that you’re honest about your love.  If the other person consistently hurts, consistently demeans, or is uninterested/unwilling to practice soul love….tell yourself the truth.  Imagining that the other person is willing to be your soul mate ~ hard work and life long commitment ~ is more dangerous to you than not.  Codependency is not love, and does not encourage growth. In being yourself, be honest with yourself.  Does the person that you’re in love with encourage you to grow?  Is there an open quality to your relationship, or do you feel trapped/restricted.  Is there a common goal/dream that transcends others, something unique that you two share from the first moments?

There is a soulful romance to soul mates. It's a dance that never ends.

3. Comfort is immediate. Soul flames are immediately in tune with one another, and will often report that there was a harmony that amazed them.  That doesn’t mean an immediate sexual attraction; many soul mates spend life as friends.

There is an unexplainable commitment and trust with the other person. For the love match, the attraction will build and will become a more intense longing that will not dissipate. Soul mates often find themselves able to resume a conversation or relationship even after months of separation as though no time has passed.  Soul mates hunger for the energy or connection that they share together because it compels them to grow and become the best version of themselves. If you’re searching for that special person, don’t be to tied to who you think he/she might be.  It is often a mystery that two people are great matches for one another, although a closer look shows that they are highly complimentary in a deep sense.  The love of my life was once my best friend; we can talk about anything.  He was not my idea of “the perfect guy.” Having a preset idea like “my perfect man is this tall, this color hair, this type of education’ honestly limits your spiritual attraction to the right person.

Yes, if you are drawn to one type of person, you will inevitably look that way;  your brain is trained to seek specific things that you hold important.  Sometimes, we’re drawn to a type of person that has abused us in the past without realizing it.  be aware of why you’re seeking that special “look” and be willing to realize that destiny might have made a few changes in your plans.  For us, the physical attraction that we share built over time, not in the same moment as our understanding and trust for one another.  Your body can tell you more about love than you realize.  A low, comfortable energy that sustains will begin to well, coming back to even, warming you, engaging you: that is a spiritual relationship.  Many soul mates “first were attracted to her/his mind, the way that we could talk about anything, for hours.”  For those religions that believe in past lives, the soul mate is an individual that you’ve known over many lifetimes.  The deep connection is already built into the person and drives the desire to reunite.  Because soul mates are like in so many ways, it is not uncommon that their paths are destined to cross.

4. Growing is important. Your soul mate will find spiritual (meaning whole life) growth important in the same ways that you do.  It is more likely that you will meet your soul mate doing what you love the most than in a public venue like a bar or dance.   For instance, you can find me haunting the local art museum, the last existing record store in Indianapolis, work,  the hospital where I interned, the rock climbing wall or the School of Theology where I earned my masters.  That is exactly where I found the love of my life. Your soul mate will compliment and encourage your growth, challenge you with new insight, stand with you as life echoes between learning and times of rest.  Hardship will not estrange your soul mate.  One way to meet your soul mate is to have an exceptionally open an willing attitude and meditate on the focus of love.  Draw the universal energy that is all around you to a calm and whole place within yourself.  Carry that energy and focus it on yourself, being a radiating light that reflects your internal energy.  As you go through your day sense others energy and pace.  Who comes into your view? Who appeals to your sense of inner peace?

5.  Know where you’re going. Once you know where you’re going, who will go with you?  What if you’re the person who is destined for a life of hardship and service? What if your soul mate has relational and emotional issues to work through?  How do you know with the timing is right?  It is true that not all soul mates will be ready for love at the same moment.  Perhaps you’ve found that person who resonates with your soul only to discover that  they are not spiritually developed, emotionally stable enough to form a lasting relationship?  Never force destiny. The path that you’re on to develop your own spiritual self is important.  The path that you’re seeking and your dreams are all part of the greater human story.  It may not be that the timing is now.  Don’t take “not now” as “never.”  Many people rush into the first relationship that they can out of a desperate need to be connected, blocking  the true, deeper need for spiritual love.

It all begins within you.

The most important thing to realize about soul mates is the innate desire for the best and highest good of the person that they love.  Spiritual love isn’t restrictive, doesn’t keep track of wins and losses in life, but breeds a deep sense of teamwork and togetherness that fulfills one another.  The movie Jerry McGuire’s famous line “you complete me” isn’t the basis of soul love.  It is when you are complete and giving to another that you’ve achieved the self realization allowing you to love wholeheartedly.

You are already complete…it’s not your job to complete another person.

It’s faith and being whole that fuels the energy of the soul mate relationship.

Five Fast Tips To “Knowing”

1. Show your genuine person.  If they can’t love you on your worst days, they don’t deserve on your best.

2. Talk from the heart and mind at the same time.  Know the laws of attraction; what you are, you attract. Be deliberate, thoughtful.

3. Look for spiritual maturity first in yourself, then in others.

4. Let attraction grow; the outside of a person changes in time, beauty fades.  The beauty inside a person can change as well; hopefully to grow and bloom as time continues.  Be in love with the deep soul of a person, not the physical form.

5.  Have the same path.  Have an upfront discussion about your real dreams in life and if those are compatible.  Do you want the same thing?  Note:  one having passion and the other not caring is not the same as agreeing.

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