It’s 1:10a.m. in Indiana, and I smell like the most wonderful woodsmoke and incense. I am listening to the All American Rejects.
At this time of night, it’s only a matter of moments until the “you shouldn’t be awake still police” wakes up. Still, I am here now. There is incredible music, and incredible fire and memories that I won’t forget for a life time.
Are you aware of the song “Shattered” by O.A. R.?
…it’s pretty obscure, but fresh and crisp like an apple from cold water. It’s a great song. Buy the music from ITunes, they matter, these groups that we never hear of that have incredible music.
So many people asked me how I got through the major changes and painful moments and the death in my life and on to a new one…I keep saying “You don’t.” Even at the end of a relationship, you have to learn to say good bye in a whole new way to go on, free and clear. I wish that I could bottle it and give it to you, but mine came of hours crying, with my heart shattered like nothing I’ve ever known. I remember those moments when I thought I couldn’t breathe in one more time. Music and snow saved me. One made me sane, the other froze me out until I moved and cried at the same time. Today, I don’t cry for the dead like I used to. Every once in a while….nothing I can dream with my broken heart can change life. It’s been almost a year now, and I think that I am moving past the grief. I do. Time for a new song? This is John Mayer’s Dreaming with a Broken Heart.
Tonight Brian, the eternal perfect hubster, built a fire pit as a surprise out of the old brick from our house that is on the summer porch. We sat, the daughter (Taryn, 7), Brian and I, roasting marshmallows and sausages for a couple hours. Brian had a special surprise for those of us that have our Masters in Divinity and studied the Old Testament way to close for our own good. He brought the fat of the beef that he brought home, a deep side of rib meet that came to about ten meals for our family – and the first offering of basil, the number one spice that I cook with, and threw them on the fire. All of a sudden, there was this amazing time of silence and smell, having thrown three sticks of my incense that I make on the whole affair. Wow. Maybe that sounds weird to you, but after three years of seminary, it’s probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life, to find a scene of the Abraham’s so faithfully followed by my husband. Herbs, fat, incense, prayer over a big outdoor fire pit that is made of the 160 year old brick of our house. I was really incredibly proud of him for the thought that meant more to me than he would ever know.
Well, I am off to bed now for all of you that are around the world where it’s morning, those of you that are sleeping, and California, where it’s only 8 pm and still early. It’s been a good day of writing and music, which is more than anyone ever expects. I am wildly blessed and still not thankful enough given the God that makes all things in my life so very interesting.
Changing speeds on your for a moment, there is a great song called “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera.
You know, the funniest thing about this song it that it’s what I start kick boxing to now that I am back on my workout program. It was a tough few months of going into remission to the point that I could really embrace working out like I love…but this song helped. I really have to thank the grief that I felt for that…I am a fighter like I never knew because of pain I couldn’t have imagined. There is life, after life it seems. I pray that you faith takes you to places you never imagined, loses you in places that you didn’t imagine, just to find you stronger and more capable than you ever knew. You have it in you.
There are moments that you might feel the divine move in your life and that was one of them for me. True to tradition, my family has gone to bed so much earlier than the restless me, and I sat and watched the fire alone for several hours. My music on Pandora finally drained my phone and I doused the fire with water. I’m not ready to give up yet, but the night is closing in on me.
The song by Lifehouse that started this whole music rant is Falling In
I’d never heard it before. I thought that I’d heard every song Lifehouse had to offer.
So, my wood smoke and faith are going to bed all alone, knowing that there is more to life than this moment and this place. This is how God reminds me of what and how the Divine is – a heart worth breaking, mine is. Owned by God. Not your typical muscle.
I wish you peace and grace where ever you are, Brazil, Fort Sill, Colombia, Russia, Italy, the guy with the Blackberry that must live on a plane, all of you. I realize that you know my name – Alison – and I don’t know yours yet. The offer stands. Write to me. As long as I’m breathing, you’re never alone.