In the middle of the night, the sounds and the shadows outside of my window take on a whole different life. It was not so long ago that I would have encourages someone like me to stay in the light of her room, to allow herself to immerse in the feeling, to be one with her pain. There is great value in the solace of night. Some of my best writing happens here. I’ve been looking through contemporary artists as there is little else to do, seeking inspiration for book two.
I ran across this lithograph, which I love. I have contemplated the idea of chaos, and how we live in a world that is laced with the arsenic of busyness. I wonder to myself of all these days that I’ve gone through the motions, running at 220% percent, what have I achieved? What did I fail to notice, what beauty passed by that I did not see? Do we forsake the journey for the goal? It’s a worthwhile question, one that doesn’t answer easily. Are we living life or are we a slave to our circumstances. A wise man once said “Where your treasure is, there you heart will be also.” I want to gather up the diamond moments of my memories and hand them in to the Divine, to a loving and caring God that doesn’t judge but accepts with grace my fallen state. I want to explain that I love, and love in truth. I am not ashamed of it, nor am I willing to be anything less. I am this and so much more. So very much more.
There was a funeral today for an aged man at a church I pass by each day. I’d seen the obit in the paper. Older gentlemen in full military dress uniforms held the door for women dressed in soft colors, donning hats and gloves like so many decades gone by. I wondered at his real story, this man that was buried , what his proud history was defending our country, how he farmed in our community for so long, how he’d seen Rush County come and go, change and grow. People lined the sidewalk to come to say good bye, to show respect to the family. So many tears, and smiles of memory. Is that what it is to stop time…memories? Is that the legacy that I will leave behind? I pull out my list of things to do, cross off the trip to Everest that I am unable to take now, and instead write down “Make a difference. Change the night.” I’d rather have people who loved, who were impacted positively in my lifetime than the world record for the best climb. Only one has any love value. There is a reason for your journey, for you life. Embrace the hope of it, the life of it. Accept grace.
Change the night. I don’t mean the darkness that is outside at the moment, but the darkness that I see in the heartbroken each day. The like picture above, it’s breaking from the chains that enslave the heart, the laws that we impose on our emotional selves, the bondage of despair or even the abdication of what could have been happiness. It’s the darkness that haunts the love of my life, the darkness that plagues the lonely, the ghost in the machine…lingering pain. Let go of it, only for long enough to breath.
Take a break from the chaos. Seek wholeness.
If only for a moment to be one that could contribute to the light of the world.
To change one small thing in glory and honor is worth a lifetime to me. A lifetime.
Here I remain, blood on fire. waiting for the dawn to rise up. Today will be Wednesday, and I have an appointment with Bill and Tim to once again attempt to bring my brain back to balance and my body to stasis. Given my week, I’m sure that there will be some discussion, and still I remain.
What to take from this? What is the prize to the journey?
Look around with the eyes to your soul.
Cheer a person without hope.
Give when it’s least expected.
Be all in.
Tell the person that you truly love that you truly love them.
Say it…I love you, only you and always you. Mean it with all that is in your heart.
Be good to others. Find a way to take that extra step, be excellent in all that you do.
Love yourself. Truly, love yourself. You’re worth it.
Be healthy. Choose life.