Owning Your Relationship Reality

I found some art that I wanted to share with our people in relationship recovery, given that all my questions this week were on loneliness in current relationships and “letting go.”  I will share them here, and then move them to the art page in a week or so.  But let me ask you…in those moments that you’re feeling like the end of your world has come and gone, do you evaluate your life?  Are you fair to yourself and others?

Letting Go of the Illusion of Control

Sanity and wellness begin and depend on your owning your reality, your part in it.  It’s my ability to say “I chose this path” that allows me to heal.  D, my soul sister and best friend, had this important conversation today about the finality of the ghosts that she and I deal with in life.  In relationship recovery, one of the hardest moments that you’ll come to is the moment that you didn’t realize. 

I didn’t realize that it was the last time I was ever going to see him/her, the last thing that I was ever going to say.  There was so much that I would change now, if only I could.

Perhaps you’re recovery is from a death of a sibling, like D.  You thought all along that you had an eternity of life together to talk about those things that really mattered, not all that insane chatter about vacations or the weather.  Perhaps you’re the one left behind in a relationship – or worse yet, you were the only one really in a relationship.  That person that you fell honestly in love with only felt infatuation, and it melted in the cold light of truth and life.  Maybe you’re haunted by a past relationship that simply remains part of you, not withstanding your resolution to move on and make life worthwhile.

Sometimes, it's the truth that you can't grasp that will set you free.

There is no harm in the life that has been rocked by turmoil – turmoil can be healthy if you ask healthy questions and really embrace the change that it brings to be building, not tearing down.  Don’t bury your rocking boat…as I have said before, buried alive never dies.  It’s the ruts that I am more worried about in my life.  The ruts are dangerous places to spend years of unfulfilled life.

Do ruts happen to “happy people?”  Yep.  Brian and I  have had our share of disconnects as spouses, business partners, parents, lovers…I don’t want to go back there, and neither does he.  We’ve learned to hold fast with open hands, to love each other in a new way.   We’re both processing past “stuff” in the way that we know is best – lots of talking and holding hands.  As your relationships grow and mature, you’ll have moments of plateau, moments of dark, moments of light.  It’s all part of it.  Navigating how you feel now through effective communication, taking ownership of your feelings instead of allowing them to manage you – that changes the playing field for a lifetime of authenticity.  It breeds peace.   Let’s be honest – I am a grad student in class now three nights a week until ten p.m., and those first two days start at 2 in the afternoon.  We’re passing each other on the roadways – and in a world where working parents, children, education, finances and just “life” encroach, all of us have to learn to be proactive about how we communicate.  Selfishness isn’t an option.  In a world that often reminds me of a carnival, I appreciate that calm and stable influence that our relationship lives in.  It is Brian that is our true north, keeping that constant hum of life positive and moving forward….but I’ve got to willingly participate and be all in.  Are you willing to learn and develop those skills for your future, or in the relationship that is giving you fits?  If the answer is no, or “he/she inst” the road ahead is really a hard one.
There is much truth that the music and the images that come to you in any given day are giong to influance your mood.  Some tips that will help you find solace in moments of anxiety, regardless of your given reason:

  • Massage is an important tool for your recovery.  Massage is a non sexual method of contact that will help your body extinguish stress and regain balance.
  • Water.  Many of the people that I talk with have been in a depressed state that may include tears, alcohol, lack of sleep or proper nutrition.  Water is that key component that makes up so much of your tissue – start here.  Avoid depressants.

    It's true that life throws you unexpected curves. What you do with them...that determines your outcome, not the circumstance alone.

  • Light.  We have a “light box” in the new therapy model that helps people who deal with seasonal depression and stress as the summer ends and the days begin to change.  Get out into natural light and allow yourself time to observe the world around you with no chaos or distraction.  Breathe in deeply, feel your presence in the earth and be grateful for the moment that you’re in.  Moment by moment, grateful will finally take place of pain or anxiety.
  • Pray.  I don’t care what religion or faith you practice, the ability to meditate and pray on the positive, on the peace that flows in the universe is important.  However you express yourself in prayer, what ever you call it, take time out for yourself to simply feel, to meditate, to accept, and to accept love and light into your soul.
  • Music….warning here.  Do not dwell on music that keeps you in your pain.  D and I talked about songs that made her think of her sister who has passed away – and now that time has passed, they don’t affect her as they used to.  Make sure that you’re not feeding your grief or pain, indecision or regret with further emotional trauma.   Make a change in the artists that you listen to, take the change as a moment of growth and renewal.
  • Laugh.  Make a new order in life that changes how you see life.  Watch a funny movie, see a decent comedy routine, find something fun and uplifting to read.  Laughter is great medicine for anxiety.

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