The morning is beautiful, without a cloud in the summer-kissed sky, just peeking through the deep green of the trees in my window. Today holds promise, anticipation, possibility. I love having a sense of wonder about every day, waiting for that next moment to map into my memories no matter how small. Do you live life with that sense of wonder and excitement about being alive?
I have cause: for the moment, with the aid of these wonderful pharmaceuticals that reduce the swelling in my head, I am out of pain. Maybe this will last for many, many moments, all strung together in a symphony of time where I can resume moving around in the world outside of the twilight lighting in my house. I love the house it’s amazingly beautiful. I have cleaned and hung a few pieces of art, given away some clutter…but after a wonderful morning with my husband (stayed in a little later than normal), I am ready to go work on my beleaguered flower beds.
How did we get here?
Do you ever wonder about that in your life?
What is your story?
Did you make deliberate choices, take life by the hand, stand in the face of possibility and accept the challenge?
Did you allow indecision or opportunity to determine your path? Momentary emotion, or being caught in the wave of public endorsement…”everyone thinks that I should….”
I did both. I remember when Christian was born – I was just a kid myself, way to young at 19 to make life committing decisions. She was the best decision for me ~ because of her entrance into my world, my focus left the world of child and entered in to “grown up” real fast. Still, when I think back to the decisions of my 19-27 yr old self, I have to know that it’s the glory and the grace of God that kept my crazy self from the precipice of oblivion. So many memories of what was that I’ve just let go of. Therein lies the trick to it all: remembering what was, but pressing on to what you were intended to be, letting the chains and shackles of the past simply fall from you. Setting the baggage down and being willing to walk away. You feel kinda naked that way.
I asked Brian how we got here the other day, from our meeting all those years ago in New Orleans, becoming best friends and really coming to know one another, and finally, realizing that there was no on else in the world that we wanted to be near in really long chunks of time forever. Brian is funny, articulate and smarter than me. He’s steady and purposeful, slightly romantic and surprisingly intense. We can have a blast in a closet, just talking about stuff.
How did we get here? Deliberate choices, most of the time. I can point to the place and time as he flew us to Mackinaw Island, the scene of one of my favorite movies, to talk about the missing child that I was so emotional over. Eight years later, she is up in her room, anxious to work outside in the yard, then go to the pool after her lunch. I love this town, this perfect place that is the balance between adult and child friendly. I love knowing that it’s consistent, and that the people here are the people I’ve come to love and think so much of, even when they’re less than stellar. I love ~ love my home. How did I get here? Blessing. Listening. Being willing to jump when it looked like the black abyss. Being willing to become someone or something new when it was hard and my mind nearly took me out with the pain of it. Standing in the kiln of God and allowing the process of refining until now….and I’m out of the fire for a bit in my cooling off period. What’s from here? 🙂 I’m not telling.
The hospital trip was like going home. I love Clarian North, and walking in is like being greeted by friends upon friends. No test results yet, but the med changes were welcome. I’m stronger today, and planning to venture outside to the yard that I adore. My baby cut the grass for me last night, and there is a park outside of my window. The squirrels are staging a sit in over the lack of food in their tree holder. I am remiss in my squirrel care.
How did we get here? Love. Love saved me from my life of insanity working for more and more, being less and less. More money, less soul. Brian, who has come to appreciate having breakfast together, has taken the last year as a great spring board to talk anything out.
I am no longer falling apart.
I am no longer broken. My heart is beating.
In my pain, there has been healing.
I’m still here.
Although there are sometimes ghosts, I am living, growing, becoming and learning about life in a whole new way.
How did I get here? God brought me here, one conflicted step at a time, forgave my deep regret and pain, and set me right again.