Last weeks comments have been tripping through my mind last night and this morning, a combination of folks in good and bad places. Here is where I landed after it all. Part of being your internal goddess is knowing when you are in need of some downtime, those destiny moments when you are free to be yourself without censure. I’m off to do that this weekend, and will most likely leave you all to your own devices for a few days save a crazy pic or two. But back to the stress that seems to be daunting everyone, regardless of country of origin. We all live in this world where there are so many expectations, so many roles to fill and only the same 24 hours in a day. Here are the tough questions:
- Do you ever feel like running to the top of the stairs, jumping up and down like a heavy weight champion, declaring your independence from living the same day over and over? Are you living the “same day over and over?” Why?
- Are you invisible to the world, the person behind the smile everyone sees?
- Is your mind a million miles from your body? Do you long for something that fills you?
- Do you feel like you could just start screaming and you might never stop? Get in your car and just drive away?
It might be time for a destiny moment – to really run those stairs, do something healthy crazy, to laugh out loud. Your inner goddess may be tamped down behind a shy smile or really tough physical ailments, life circumstances that have swallowed you alive, even those that you jumped into with both eyes wide open. Somewhere along the line, maybe you grew into a different person, the real person that was waiting to burst out of you. I can empathize with each of those. Everyone wants that life that they dream of, but it feels like time and circumstances can let it flow through your fingers the tighter you hold on. Take a second to breathe in. Okay, everything is better with music, so lets talk about this over coffee and the same song. I have my java and here is my choice for music. Listen or not, your choice. I’ve fallen in love with some new music, and I’m happy to say that now it’s on my IPod, which is more like a permanent attachment to my person.
I lost a good friend – the twin of my soul sister – a year ago now. I couldn’t figure out why my chest ached so bad last night until I realized my soul was hearing my best friend’s pain across time and space….thousands of miles never separates real love. My best friend in the world, D, is currently in Florida with the remainder of that family, my family by proxy, and here I am headed into my own weekend of destiny. We’re all grieving someone that meant the world to each of us in a different way. For me, the end of Dawn’s life was just the beginning of mine.
I love the lyrics of this song because they hold so much truth. It was last year, not long after D and I threw Dawn’s ashes into the wind over a huge patch of flowers on the mountain where D lives that I stopped running. It was a request from the love of my life…and I’m still here, not running from the truth, from myself, even from you. Deep breath. Another deep breath. Granted, it’s gotten me into places I would have never believed I would go, into emotions that I didn’t exist, but it also gave me the gift of being wholly and really alive. I’ve had been so busy being the stepford wife and mother that I was never alive. So much time proving that the poor kid from nowhere was worthwhile that I forgot to be myself. Hence, this article series on the inner goddess, full of confidence, real sensuality (not air brush magazine stuff) and the overabundance of love that makes we girls unique and beautiful.
Do you want to know what I’ve learned about living every moment with hearts wide open? The second that I stopped running, everything became more real, textured, precious. My faith, battered and beaten, rose up in it’s more mature form, needing nothing but connection to God, and God alone. I don’t live to make a great impression, or base my decisions on others approval. I seek the highest good I know in truth and grace. I don’t have to figure it all out anymore, even when I can’t breathe. Many of you are driving yourself nuts asking the wrong question – “What is wrong with me?” Try “How can I make a change” or “How can I be my most whole authentic self?” Ask a crappy question, you’re going to wind up frustrated.
The “inner goddess” that I keep talking about is that spark of divine soul inside of each human that makes us sing with energy, glow with life force. Is it about sensuality? Yep…but you were designed as a sensual creature. Just look at all the color and textures around you. Can you feel the air, your body, your skin? Are you alive in there? It is just my way to say that I have finally learned that one thing that is on the horizon of your mind…if you will only stop running and give up on “should” or “perfect” for what is really you – everything will work out. Love yourself, respect yourself both in a healthy balanced way, which includes being self aware, feeling your body in the world, appreciating your senses. All that stuff that you do to fill the hours of the day, the stuff that makes you feel good for a little while, until the gnawing feeling comes back? All of it is a distraction. Be yourself. Own who you are and pour yourself out on your life like an offering to God. Be all in, leaving nothing back when you love. Afraid you will get hurt? I guarantee you will. Hurt is part of it. You will be alive, healthy…and you have yourself. Sometimes, even when you lose, you win. If you’re very, very fortunate you’ll meet a person that would battle hell itself to love you, who believes in you when you’re an idiot, who is the yin to your yang. It may not be a story book ending, or even a possibility..but knowing that there is someone out there who always, always cares you’re on the face of the earth makes you capable of scaling any heights, accomplishing any dream.
My world has changed since I woke up as a human soul. Yes, like the perfect wife, I have my family totally packed. I am almost finished with this break…then to load the car, vacuum the house and put all the laundry away. Freshly made beds for when we get home, and a lasagna is in the fridge for Sunday night when we return late. I have my erotic weekend box of surprises packed, our golf clubs to load and….you get the picture. The difference is now I do it because this is who and what I am, even if my hubster doesn’t really notice.
So the real question, inner goddess, is what is it that you really want in your life? Have you made any real attempt to make a life mission statement that doesn’t look like something that is designed to impress those who read it? A private one that you know is really you? What keeps you up at night, tripping through your mind? What is it that you are called to be as a human soul? Who do you love? You know, I had imagined being in love before I met my baby, but I can honestly tell you that I had no idea what it would be like for me until the moment he kissed me, the laughed because I was shaking. We had actually had the conversation that led up to the kissing days before, and we were really, really good friends….and it was still like waking up for the first time. I felt new, whole and alive. Has it been perfect? Nope, pretty much not at all. No person it the world can shatter me like he can (or me for him) and he tries so hard not to. Even so, I can hear him think across space and time when his mind turns to me – you have done that I am sure, picked up the phone to call one another at exactly the same time? That is one of the lines in that first song that I love, talking about this very connection. I wish you could feel it, but you don’t chose to believe it… This song is my inner goddess anthem. 🙂 No matter the pain that I’ve gone through, no matter all that has happened from that time to this, it is a moment like that which sustains you through the tears of loss and tough moments in life. The beauty floods in and washes the pain until it begins to fade.
I still miss the Dawny Dawn, her crazy faces and her laughter. I honor her life by living my life without excuses. My own life might end soon, and I don’t want to leave behind regrets for being afraid to dream or to shoot for the moon. I don’t really care so much about the outcome, what I care about is being wholly alive – that inner, sensual person that has been to timid to come out until I’d lost my way and had to finally stand on my own for real.