Letters I Will Never Send

It was an amazing letter that I will most likely never forget.  There is this WordPress site called “Letters that I will never Send,” an epic journey of emotion from the nameless, faceless masses of people who seem to be in the most extraordinary pain.  One letter was from a girl who experienced her mother beating her, telling her that this mistake, her very life was the woman’s greatest regret.   There were letters from the heartbroken, the left behind…all fundamental, all honest and so transparent.  I was amazed at the range of dialogue and emotion.

My own afternoon was a letter that I will never send.  My heart was aching, and there was nothing to do but pray for the kid and feel slightly helpless. I kick boxed until my wrists couldn’t take any more of the bag.  My mind was full of the emotions of those letters that you never send no matter how much time has passed…I thought of the people writing through their tears and for a few minutes, again felt the desperate need to be counted among the living, the need to know that I am still here and have survived the nuclear blast that was him. Nothing else seems to break through that barrier.   I am healing, mending, broken.  Like the letters that are never sent,  this is all an unwanted memory, a part of life that is regret.  I wanted to tell them all that it becomes okay in time, that there is light in the world again, that this isn’t the end of the story.   You will not always be a ghost of yourself….  Is that where you are, haunted? Does the presence of a heart wound linger with you?  Does it feel as though there to much for time to erase?  I understand.  Your focus has a lot to do with it.  Keep moving, take up hobbies, be present in your life.  Breathe.  Keep the faith.  There is light at the end, I promise you, if you just live until then.  Keep the faith.  You’re worth it.

Sometimes I am blessed that I have so much responsibility. In the absence of peace, I taught my daughter how to keep her guard up to Lady Gaga in the background, both of us wearing our boxing attire, gloves and hats from Nanny McPhee.  It was fun.  I am elemental today, wishing that I could change the world but knowing that I cannot.  How can you mourn what is not your own?  There is so much that holds me….I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that he’s gone.  There is so much that I wish I could change….but not that.  Love that bankrupts your ethics, your dignity, your peace…it isn’t love.  I know that he’s the end of me.  The end of dreams and happiness.  I would just vanish into what he is….and I can’t do that.  There is so much life out there.  Do you feel it?  Can you smell it?  Do you know it?  It’s approaching like a meteor, ready to take you into the orbits that you’ve only dreamed of.  Destiny has arrived.

Love is painful, messy and sometimes not worth it.  Tonight I will spend with Lucian, trying without any hope to change his mind that the end of The Soul Thief will change – but he’s made up his mind.  Lucian has that tendency. There are days that I hate my leading man, but I can’t wait for these few weeks when he is out of my head and ready to take on the world.  I love him so.  I can’t wait to see the movie…even though I write how it ends.  🙂  Sick.

My own real life continues in drama.  It’s a lonely night.  I let go of what was before…and now there is this numbness that adrenaline can’t seem to touch. Life goes on. There are heights to scale, workouts to survive and the endless nights that turn into endless days.

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