It’s the theme that I hear more often than not ~ we’re all in some stage of relationship, ladies. I have a new mantra: I am myself lately. I think of how I can be a blessing. I am she….the best me.
Relationships do define us, don’t they? Some of us are blushing through those first moments of heart wrenching attraction. Some are in the long stretch of life that makes it worth living. Some are recovering after the walls caved in. I read the letter below today. I remembered how it felt, those first few days when I found myself on my hands and knees, coming up to stand on my feet, recovering my own sanity after months of crying. I remember walking through the halls of my life, seeing a ghost that no one else could see. Even now, I am still sitting at “our table”…only he is not here anymore and all I see is a small round piece of wood surrounded by three chairs. It’s just a room now. If I concentrate I can see him here…but why would I want to? It wasn’t so hard to see that I was beyond shattered.
This quote from a girl reminds me of how far away that is now, life that is defined by remembering “him.” In the hours that I spend reading the letters of the brokenhearted, I am always reminded that we chose to love someone that was emotionally unavailable to us, we chose to devote ourselves where often our gut said “run.” I knew it. I knew it. I remember, long ago, asking my “former soulmate” point blank ~ I wonder what kind of monster you will turn out to be?
At that moment I hurt his feelings, and he assured me that there was no monster, just the man that loved me. Love…you should have to take a full range of tests before you’re allowed to say those words, one that starts with emotional maturity and ends in reality testing. Was he a monster? No. In the time that has past I have come to believe that he was right and I was wrong ~ the monster that I needed to worry about was the one called “codependency” and it is an addiction within myself. I allowed myself to believe what I knew was not right, I allowed myself to violate boundaries and turn a blind eye to my own lack of judgement….all in the name of devotion and absolute love. I would have given my life for someone who isn’t willing to share his with me…and that is the greatest blessing ever, isn’t it, when the most toxic thing in your life removes itself?
I could have written this myself long ago…but this comes from someone today, right now. She writes:
“I always believed that knowing you was worth the pain that I swallowed to keep this shadow of the intimacy and connection that we had. …But it’s not a small pain. No one should be worth that pain. Because that pain is intense self-sacrafice, intense self-denial.
I will not be reactive to you any longer. When I catch myself venturing there in my head, I will stop, I will ask myself where I am, who *I* am.
When I listen to just myself, and I see what my options are, I realize this: I do not want us to know each other anymore. I will never be satisfied with what you have to give me. And you will never be comfortable giving me more than you are. That says everything. I choose me.”
My God, if only we could all find our way to that place, we brokenhearted mass of talented, wonderful human beings. To choose us…to be ourselves without the pain of hating our bodies, or our need for love…to give and to accept without fear. To love “me” first, knowing that we can’t love another until we do.
The echoes of life still continue around me. I am still haunted from time to time. There is a love that surpasses my understanding present for me now, the person that is literally the man that I dreamed of…it’s not “him” and for this, I am thankful. My love is teaching me about being whole and well by modeling that in our life together. There is light at the end of the tunnel, beloved, there is hope for all of us. The only dreams that you cannot accomplish are those that you cannot imagine. Don’t waste your time mourning over the closed doors ~ you can well stare into the past until you fail to see the doors open in front of you.
Be deliberate about who and where you are. Choose you.
A word of advice? Don’t try to put someone else in the place of a lost love, friend or family member. It’s not fair to them. I just lost a good friend that I cast into the role of “subbing.” He was worth more than that as a person, a unique individual human being….I should never have taken advantage of his willingness to listen. Codependency is a nimble little bird…if you’re feeling overly attached to someone/thing following a breakup, think it through. What needs are you fulfilling?
Leaving you with the song that is on my IPod today, in honor of being the best person we can all be. Sending you all love and light. Next up: really, I have been working on the “four R’s of relationship” and how to communicate for all you love birds that are cruising on loves good altitude. Cheers to you!