Hi, “Pray For Me”, wherever you are in the world. First, know that we are praying for you. In fact, I am sitting in the fragrance of Alison’s prayer incense that she learned to make. You’re in our hearts, and we understand. We believe you’ll be in a more stable, healthy place soon. This is a safe community for people to ask questions like yours, for everyone here either is interested in a better relationship, is growing after a relationship….or just likes reading what we offer. Back to the subject….You.
“Pray for me” sent us a prayer request that kept us up praying last night. We know how you feel, both Alison and I. Check older articles like “How Do I Let Him Go” and be supported.
Know more than anything that you’re not alone. Yesterday, we heard from men and women in three countries who all had the same question – how do I heal my broken heart? Answer: one growth step at a time. If you look back in past articles, we talked about “How to Let Him Go” and “Brokenhearted.” All good. But today, you’re in pain that is a little different. What happens when you’re tortured by you own mind over the fact that he or she has moved on without you? That you don’t really want to obsess on the new boy/girl friend, and think about how she/he makes your former love happy? Begin by taking a deep breath and deciding for yourself that life begins now. You are on your own, on your way to finding the right person for you. The person that you loved made a choice that you cannot unmake. Maybe it came as a shock to you, or maybe your relationship was ended mutually. There had to be deep problems in that relationship for she/he to walk away.
The important thing to know is that your story is your story from here on out – who you will be, what you will think…how you’ll react. You don’t have to let your mind torture you – but you do have to feed it things that you do want to concentrate on.
Building your life things.
It’s time for a mental makeover.
Here is what being in love with someone I can‘t belong to has taught me:
- Counseling works. Don’t spend months in agony, but making progress. It’s time to focus on you, not the chick/guy that replaced you. Find a college that offers a psychological counseling program and sign up. You’ll be treated by Masters and PhD candidates like me – people who are well trained and really happy to pay attention to what is going on in life. The words “sliding scale” means that it’s something you can afford. If you can afford a professional counselor/psychologist, I would recommend a LMFT or LMHC , as they have the skills that you need to help you be clear of this sadness.
- Time is a great healer – if you’re moving forward. If you’re still longing for your love, you’ll be stuck in that rut forever. Go out with friends, or make new friends that don’t know him/her. Change your scene. If you’re single, think about changing it all – town, job, future. Be who you want to be. At some point, you have to open your eyes and realize she/he’s not coming back. Don’t settle for anything less than your “perfect guy.”
- Broken hearts heal with appropriate attention. Alison takes the music of Linkin Park seriously, and part of her therapy has been to box it out, cry it out, and do things that people might find a little unusual for her – zip lining and such. I have to admit, she’d be heroic about changing her life in the midst of the grief that she carries. Is there hope for us then, the brokenhearted? Yes. Love will fix it in time, make it whole again, but it is self love – healthy self love – that will do that.
- Change your mind. Take your mind off the person that you long for and transfer it to you. A “behavioral” psychology trick – put a rubber band on your wrist. Every time your mind behaves a way that you don’t want (obsessing on the ex)…. pull that rubber band out and let it go. The pain will create a new trigger for your mind – the memory = pain. I am not encouraging you to self harm in any way – just to create an anchor that says “stop that.” Don’t hurt yourself.
- Stop beating yourself up. Think about what you’re thinking about. It’s your job in life to learn, to grow, to be the best person that you can be. Evolution of a person isn’t simple, it’s not done without a bump in the road here and there. Can you do that? Evolve from the ashes? Find music that supports you. I would encourage you to be that person that is able to be in love. Get healthy, get fit. Be the person that you imagine. Then, be ready for anything.
- Get up and out. Don’t wait anymore. Even if he’s coming back, it’s not for the wreck that you’ve become. Go out with friends, get a new hobby, go back to college, do SOMETHING. Be the person that YOU dream of. You still have a whole life to live. Find happiness.
When you’re upset and all else seems to have failed, take a deep breath, pause, close your eyes for a second and know that you’re going to be okay. Don’t ever look back if you can help it, and then really see reality in the light of day. Don’t remember in rose colored glasses. You know how you’re obsessing on the thought of your man with her? Replace that image in your mind with images of YOU, happy. You don’t have to think the thoughts that just fall in your head. See a movie, read a book, cry until you have no more tears—but let go. Even for those that “come back” a whole new relationship has to be formed. Go forward and stop torturing yourself with your imagination. I know, easier said that done.
Bless you, sister. It will be better each day, not because time heals, but because you will choose to live it in a healthy, happier way.