Oceans Wide: The Truth About Letting Him Go

It’s another Tuesday, and hundreds of people have found their way to THM with the words “let him go.”

God, I feel for you.

I remember what that was like, the heart breaking moments when I realized that the love I thought was real turned fragile, dried before my eyes and blew away.   All that “love you forever,” “my goal in life is making you happy,” I promise I will never leave you again….”  all bullshit.  Sad words from a broken mind…and I didn’t even see it. I remember seeing “him” again and shaking my head, not reconciling that he no longer even looked like the man I once loved.  Too much pain between here and there.  Somewhere on this site there is the poem “She.”  That’s me.  I simply….let go.  No reserve, no regret, no return.

Letting go set me free.  Will it do the same for you?

I rebuilt my life.

Found home.

Found amazing love.

Do you realize that it’s you holding you in the pain?  No one has control over you that you don’t give them.  It’s not magical or mystical…it’s real.  Deep breath.  Let go.  Repeat.

If you’re trying to let “him” or “her” go today, I send you my love.  Here is the deal.  While you’re on the floor, they’re usually fine.   All those obsessive thoughts…they’re one sided.  I was fading into oblivion while he continued to lie to everyone in his world – even his exit from “our” life was full of half truths.  Yep, he lied his way into a new start.  Does it make me mad?  Am I mounted for revenge or thinking that the woman in his life now should know that he’s a lying *.*?  Nope, not really.  I have abdicated my responsibility that he can’t tell the truth; it was never mine.  Let him lie to her…he is , after all, his fathers son.  I am not sure how that works out, but I am also not sure that I care anymore.  “Him” for me is a toxic Lothario, someone that people warned me about.  I was lucky enough to have a few friends throw down that gauntlet, make up whatever they had to and take the dangerous road of confrontation…and that was the end of the story, quenched by a need to just end the brutality that was him.

Ah, this is the part where you don’t believe that your he/she could ever be a rat.

Not your deal, hummmm?

Still singing the millions of praises that the former love of your life possesses?

Been there.  Done that.  Burned the shirt.

Stop.

Immediately.

If you’re done – even for now – you’re done.  “Getting back together” requires two new people, even if that is two weeks from now.  Can you imagine that if  you feel this way about the wrong person…what it will be like with the right one? Your life is for living…for loving yourself in a healthly way.  It’s time to set new goals and leave the clouded space that you’re in.

Noone deserves to live in pain.  No one deserves to be cheated on, left behind, discarded like so much forgotten luggage along the road of life.  You’re worth more than that.

If you want to let go, that is just what you have to do.  Moment by moment at first, then day by day, week by week.  Soon, you won’t really think about it at all, even though now you feel like your life is ending.  Get out, dance, laugh, try new things, cook, be alive.  Don’t sit on the floor in a pile of goo and let life pass you by.  Yes, you will feel the pain of loss….but you will also know that there are possibilities out there….focus on them…..and that is the truth about letting go.  Let yourself dream about the possibilities of a life without the person that hurts…life on your terms.

I wish you love if you’re hurting today.  Love that is ocean wide, full of hope, possibility and depth.  Love that endures, lasts and perseveres in the face of “it” all.

26 comments for “Oceans Wide: The Truth About Letting Him Go

  1. Chris
    May 15, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    Im trying to let go! Just decided today. I refuse to continue down this path with him. Ive been there for him, encouraged him, and loved him through it all. It hurts so bad, but I know what I deserve. He chooses to deal with me when its convenient to him. Its been over 3 years we have been together. I tried, I was good to him when he couldnt be good to himself. I never thought it would come to this. Its a sad day for me.

  2. Suzanne
    October 16, 2015 at 1:47 am

    How can I let go if I don’t know the truth? Don’t you need facts? And how can I let go if he doesn’t want to let go? The quality of our time spent ( though few and far between) is actually quite enjoyable. I don’t have much of a relationship to walk away from. It takes knowing someone inside and out to fully and completely let someone go, and to even be ready. You also have to have the truth, a woman needs truth to set her free; she needs tangible facts. I’m not reading any specifics here, and a lot of the woman on the post seem very sure of themselves, so I’m thinking these were honest relationships or “live-in” couples who got to know eachother quite well. I however, am in a situation where I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know if I should let go, that would require either changing my phone number and moving ( so pretty much disappearing, which would be dishonest, impulsive and difficult) or not answering my phone, which would cause him to worry, then I’d feel guilty, and I’d answer or call him back. Or, I’d tell him that I think he and I should break up which would only end up in us not breaking up because we’d talk about it, he wouldn’t want us to end, he’d offer some reassurance. So you see? If I’m going to let go I need facts, tangible evidence, like a perfect knowledge that he’s cheating, being unfaithful, that he doesn’t care for me, that we don’t share the same values, or there would have tp be abuse or addiction of some kind. To let go we would have to have a mature, adult conversation, saying our goodbys. I want to find out if I should let go, and believe me I’ve tried, but I can’t seem to reach the end of this. I need to know facts before I can be ready to let go. I need a really good reason to let him go, not based on imperfections or assumptions, but based on facts and truths. Did it ever occur to anyone that relationships have to run their course? What’s with all this “letting go”? My family doesn’t make me happy, and they’v done and said things that have really hurt me, so should I let them go? Never spend holidays with them? Never wish them a happy birthday? Perhaps not attend their funeral when they pass, after all, what would be the point? To celebrate their death when you couldn’t celebrate their living??? People need to learn to appreciate others while they’re alive. Interesting how people make it a career telling others to let someone go.

    • brian rodgers
      July 16, 2016 at 3:34 pm

      Hi, Suzanne…..my apologies that it’s taken me so long to return to THM. It’s been an interesting year for me. At any rate, I hope that by now, you’ve found the facts that you were looking for, and that the rest of your story is a happy one.

      You make many great points that I want to emphasize to anyone reading. You also make some assumptions that I don’t agree with. For one, I don’t make a career out of telling others to let go. I have lived in a state of brokenheartenedness, and as a writer, did what I do. I wrote about it. As a blogger, I wrote my way through it, both in personal journals that aren’t accessible here, and right in front of the whole world. It’s a free site. Read, don’t read, your own choice. Still, it’s helped thousands of people all over the world to kn ow one thing….You’re not alone. It’s not going to rain forever, and those who choose that letting go thing? They know that they’re going to eventually come out the other side. We all reach endings and new beginnings when we’re ready to do the hard work and get past the feelings that are drowning us, or keeping us trapped in unhealthy situations.

      Yes, being a grown up is part of the deal. Say what you have to say, try everything that you’re willing to try and maybe it’ll work out. I am not sure that facts change feelings….there is typically a reason that people want to move on. What I don’t see in your question/statement is a reason that you wanted to let go in the first place, and why you’re looking for facts when there doesn’t seem to be a problem? All relationships must run their course, romantic or not. All relationships grow, or not, become stronger, or not…there are a million different scenarios. This article is just about those women who are often left behind. There aren’t any facts to be found, just the pain of being unwanted. They’re getting better about loving themselves, and celebrating that life.

      Blessing and grace, Suzanne. I hope that you don’t join our ranks of the truly brokenhearted, for any reason. Many wishes for happiness in life.

  3. sara
    February 24, 2015 at 2:02 am

    I just let go of a guy I dated for a brief time. I really limed him but after a few weeks got distant because I was pushing too hard. I was losing him and pushed more. Then he still didn’t want to lose me but I knew something we shared the great connection the first moment I was next to him was fading. I still feel in my heart what I felt for him the while time but something needed to change…we both needed space. If he cared line I did he will be back but I will continue on with my life with just the great memories I shared with him and the lessons I learned.

  4. princess
    July 11, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    Hi

    I dont know of this site is still active. But while I was googling this is the first thing I saw.. And I feel I have to share it here. Words and everything are so inspiring.

    I have a boyfriend for 3 beautiful years. I had him. Last night I decided to let go. Because things are not work out so fine anymore. I love him with all my heart. Gave him everything. I thought he was the one. Even thought I was destined to be with him. No one else but him.

    I dont know what am I thinking last night. We had this small fight and he just want to leave. He left me with his last words.. ” Don’t be afraid to be without me. You can do it. ”

    It was unlike before. I always begged him to stay. Always tried to convince him that those small things were not worth it. It was our love that is important. Last night was different. I let him go. Yes I did. Even told him, okay you can go if you want to.

    I thought maybe things keep on happening again and again because we keep on repeating the same mistakes. This time, I let him go. Maybe this is the right thing to do. Im tired. So tired. I feel like I dont deserve this anymore. I was once a smart girl. Known to be strong. Because of him I feel so terrible. I feel so lost. So small.

    But there is always voice inside of me telling me I can do it. I know I can. I was born without him and I can live without him. I know things happen for a reason. I am free. I have to be free. I let go of him.

    • Alison Rodgers
      June 2, 2015 at 6:39 pm

      Sucks, doesn’t it? Yep, I so feel for you – and recognize parts of my own story. I am still here, recovered of a few years bout with MS – not over, but now under control – and a lifetime of experiences to write about.

      The voice is your soul, knowing that you can look forward to being yourself again. You are still that smart girl, the one unafraid to face the dark night of the soul. You’ve survived a storm…. Letting go isn’t easy, or fun, or even particularly graceful. It’s necessary. Not just for love, but life.

    • veronica
      June 19, 2015 at 6:56 pm

      I was married to this man who is not right for me. we fight and break up then I chase him afraid to let go and try again and we have been going round in this circle for more than a year. deep down I know I have to let go. He is not really interested, he does not really try, he moved out and even when we try again he is happy to just see me once or twice a week.
      I need to let go but it is killing me and I need help

  5. Becky
    June 25, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Allison,
    I so admire your strength and wisdom, I enjoy reading these articles also. I could really use your help on this topic, “letting go” you would think at 43, I would be this strong, courageous woman. Wrong, I have gone from divorce (16 yrs of marriage) to 2 failed relationships, the last one ended only 3 weeks ago and now he completely ignores me. I knew this relationship was not right for me, we broke up several times and got back together, but still I tried, I tried to make him happy, tried to do what I thought he wanted but I ended up so miserable and he too was unhappy. He broke it off with me saying it was better in the long run (true but still) I allowed myself to love him so deeply and his children that Iam having such a hard time letting go. Hurts even more now that he will not respond to my texts, calls or emails. Cant say that I acted my age, he said he wasnt happy with me (but he knew he had, as he would call it “grumpy issues”, took blood pressure meds for) so he said he would just be alone but happy. found out a few days later (yes a few days, after I almost moved in with him and him telling me he loved me) that he signed up for Match, well I guessed his password and got in!! I was shaking as I changed his description and what he was looking for. I did not lie or make up some ridiculous thing, I felt satisfied at the time (childish yes) but now regret it. I think that is why he now wont talk to me and its not like I really want to get back with him, just want him to say he cares. UGHHH!! Why am I wasting all my time and energy?? I go to counseling, pyschiatrists, church groups to try and change my thought process but its still there, lingering. I beg God to take this pain away (and its not just this last relationship)
    I let me teenage daughters watch me as I cry, and talk to them. I feel like I am ruining theur life as well and feel so guilty about it, I beat myself up all the time. Everyone around me just shakes their head they dont even know what to say to me anymore, I feel stupid, unloved and hopeless…I know, I know all negative talk. Please just reach out to me if you can, I know your probably a busy woman, just need something/someone to help who’s been there. Why do I even care or want him to contact me? why??
    Thanks for listening,
    Becky

    • veronica
      June 19, 2015 at 6:59 pm

      Oh Becky, your story sounds a bit like mine, I am 44, my teenagers see me cry, they know he is no good for me and hate him for the things he has done. I behave childishly and keep begging him to try again and sometimes he does but now he is fed up and has left again. I have lost most of my friends because of him one way or another. I know I need to move on but I am in so much pain I don’t know how.

    • Sherri
      July 6, 2015 at 9:06 pm

      Wow I have to say I feel the same and am in the same situation. I am 41 and same everything (except the password thing) if love to chat.

    • Bee
      January 18, 2016 at 7:07 pm

      Quite a sad story, I read it with tears streaming down my face. I have been there too, but what make me come to the other side unscathed, is the love I have for myself.
      What you need is you to pull through, and no amount of therapy will do.
      Start by loving yourself and people will follow. And if you can not love you for you, do it for your daughters, they need you, and the love they have for you is genuine.
      These are questions I would like you to ask yourself, every blessed day if possible: does he deserves me?what am I doing to myself and my family? Am I not strong and beautiful enough to stand on my own?
      Please dear don’t waste your pain. Get up, pick up the pieces and keep pressing forward, the world is full of loving and caring people. Be ready

  6. Nichele
    February 5, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    This has been my road map to sanity for the past 4 days. Thank you so much for everything you’ve ever suffered. Thank you for suffering and for pulling through so that others might be able to find their way back to life and to love. This recent storm in my life left me feeling dazed and confused, but knowing that I am not alone brings comfort. Knowing that even in my stupidity there is light at the end of the tunnel brings joy. Understanding that God still expects me to live and live fully even after I made such a mess of what I thought was a great idea is healing and health for me. Losing a friend hurts, but gaining my life and strength is well worth the pain. Blessings and Love to you my friend!

    • Alison Rodgers
      May 29, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      Love you, Nic. I hope that you’ll feel free to call or write any time. Best of luck to you in your new position…. remember, breathe. Focus on where you’re headed, and be true to who you are, and who you were born to become…..

  7. laura
    February 4, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    PLEASE HELP ME, I dont know what to do! Him and I are soul mates, we have a connection that we’ve never felt with anyone else. I believe deep in my heart that he may be terminally ill and for this he’s pushing away……what do I do? How do I get through to him? We’ve been reunited after 27years, he was my 1st true love.

  8. Jackie Lynn
    February 1, 2014 at 2:40 am

    Thank you so much for this article! I am letting go of a brief but intense relationship. I am the one who ended it and feel like my world is over 🙁 You think as we get older, we would learn how to handle heartbreak..I guess I need to take it moment by moment for now..

  9. November 11, 2013 at 6:59 am

    My boyfriend and I of almost 3 years have reached a crossroads that has led us to end an otherwise beautiful relationship. About a year ago, he became Atheist, and while very moderately religious and mostly spiritual, it still caused our demise. He knew since day 1 how important it was to me to raise our children with G-d and Jewish tradition and culture, and he was accepting of that plan. Suddenly, he’s changed his mind, and neither of us can meet a solution. I’ve been crying all night because I can’t bare to think our loving, fun, compassionate, trusting relationship is at an end over this ONE issue. I’m at a loss. What a way to lose the man I love.

  10. January 25, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Thanks for your words of inspriration. This was the icebreaker for me .. I let go yesterday! It’s true i waited for change, I hoped for hope! I wished and wished he would be a new man for all my pain and sorrow days when he saw me cry..telling him I don’t want us to separate permanently! & there I was sitting in a pile of goo..it got too much and I am moving on with a 2nd book..to write.

  11. Sarah
    January 22, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    This article may apply to me.. If he is indeed a lothario, and if I should let go. Problem is, I don’t know! He pursues me. Asks to see me. I do not initiate contact. He is faithful to call me daily and wants to see me weekly. The problem is, he is 2 years into a nasty divorce, has a lot of guilt about that, and though he can’t live with her I think in some ways he still loves her. He also sees other women, which he didnt come clean about initially but now that I know, he is more open with me. He has always said he wasn’t ready for a relationship but does want to be in love and stable in a relationship. The biggest roadblock I’m running into is… I can’t assess this man totally because he does have a legitimate roadblock to moving on and settling down. Divorce isn’t final, feelings aren’t resolved (though I’ve seen progress). Once he is totally free, then I can see what his future capabilities are. I know what you will say… Let him go, accept the current reality. The problem is we have a connection that is very real and unlike anything else to this point in my life (I’ve had a few serious relationships and a divorce of my own). Also, I love him. I’m willing to let him go if that’s what has to be, but how do I know? In the face of a real connection and a growing friendship/love, what is my best course of action to ensure the best chance for a future successful relationship with him? Do I let him go, move on, and leaving in God’s hands? Trusting that if it is meant to be, it will be? Or do I remain his friend, confidant, lover…. While he works out all of his other stuff? I go back and forth with this. It’s excruciating at times…….

  12. michaan
    January 10, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    WoW your words are inspirational. In a situation where you don’t know whether you should hold on or let go, it feels like your the only one and nobody will ever understand. It’s good to know there are people who understand and has made through after they have LET GO…

    • January 16, 2013 at 11:41 am

      Greetings, friend.

      I agree, it’s tough to know when and how, and tough to deal with the road your on afterward….but worthwhile. Be blessed, and know that you’re not alone.

      Alison

  13. SL
    September 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    There I was…moment after moment in pure bliss with all the words dripping from his mouth and providing me such profound happiness…when suddenly the smoke cleared and all those lovely words faded out of sight along with his “I don’t want to ever loose you” presence…

  14. Lori Daly
    May 15, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    For 2 months, I have read this article about once a week. I know what I need to do… To let him go. But it just isn’t happening. I want someone to flip the switch and at that point… I am done. No looking back. Any advice on how to get that switch flipped???

    • May 16, 2012 at 7:58 am

      🙂 Hi Lori.

      I’ve gotten this question several times this week – what do I do to honestly get up off the floor, get him/her out of my mind and move on? Writing you a new article on the steps that might help. It was planned as the second hand love series – don’t let that fool you, it’s applicable to most of us. Hope you don’t mid if I use your note as a lead in.

      Blessings. Look for it to post later today.

      Alison

  15. January 13, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Sylvie, yes I know the feeling of letting go. It’s hard,but it’s the second time around for me. It’s this ole saying, “Maybe he’ll change”, Not at all.

    Please, hang in there, because I feel that we will get through this at some point and time. It’s time that will prevail for us.

    Take care!!!

  16. Sylvie
    November 22, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    I thank you for those words, which help me to let go.
    The Man I thought is my soulguard, the one that never leaves me whatever would come…but he did!

    I am in the process of letting him go to feel free again and to pursuit my life to get back to happiness one day.

    God bless you, U are wonderful!

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